FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
