this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
