Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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