I need help removing her.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
