i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
