Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
