It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
