I am spending my child support on dildos
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
organizing the empties. That sober.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
