is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
