he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
