someone threw a dead crab at me
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
