He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
