So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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