I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
