Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
