Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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