Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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