ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
