everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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