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Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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