Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
