white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
