Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
