I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
