I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
