He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
