She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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