checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
