yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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