Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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