I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
