He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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