no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
this hospital has no fireball
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
