I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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