I just saw a hot homeless man
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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