I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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