my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
