Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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