The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
