I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Pooping to opera.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
