i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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