I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
