Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
