How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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