I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
