so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
