Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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