whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
