Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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