I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
