so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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