I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Randomize
