jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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